Halloween is tonight. The quickest way to ruin a young child’s fun is to fill their bag with candy that sucks. Handing out crappy candy is the quickest way to put a “ding-dong-ditch” target on your front door. Want to stay on the neighborhood’s good side? Stay away from these “treats”.

Candy Corn

Juushika Redgrave flickr

That’s right, candy corn… the Halloween staple. Personally, I love the stuff. The tiny pieces taste like chunks of frosting that melt in your mouth. There is, however, one major downfall to the treat – the ingredients. What is candy corn made of? Corn syrup, a crap load of sugar, some wax, food coloring and MINERAL OIL. Mineral oil just so happens to be a laxative. Hmmm… I guess they do call it candy CORN for a reason.


chronic-shock flickr

Never had em? I’m envious. I made the mistake of popping one of these bad boys in my mouth as a young buck. For all I know, the cement-like candy is still sitting in my stomach from Halloween ’99. But how do they taste? Like a truck tire that ran over cow poop. Nuff said.


brettneilson flickr

Nobody wants your Easter leftovers, bruh….


loop_oh flickr

Do they taste like chalk? Yes. Do we still eat them? Yes. Are they the worst thing you’ll receive in your bag? No. Handing these out to trick or treaters say a lot about you. It’s the quickest way to alert the neighborhood that you are the cheapest house on the block. Can’t shell out another buck or two for a bang of chocolate?? SMH!

Peanut Butter Kisses


Who knew those taffy-like, tasteless chunks in orange and black wrappers actually had a name? A more accurate name would be “doo doo”. There’s a reason why stores have a million bags of these in the clearance aisle (the same reason why they’re all that’s left after you eat all the good candy).

Double Bubble

GabrielaP93 flickr

Double Bubble is not for Halloween. It’s for people with stank breath. Hopefully some neighbors give out good candy to wash the stale Double Bubble taste out of our mouths.