Sochi Bans Yogurt!?
Though they are barely underway, the 2014 Winter Olympics are already being described as a disaster.
Journalists are staying in hotels that look to have recently undergone a Blitzkrieg attack, a pillow shortage has forced city workers to turn theirs over to the athletes, toilets aren't able to handle the tasks for which they were designed, the water looks like something you'd find in one of the poorly-functioning toilets, and puppies are being strangled in the streets on the whims of vodka-fueled mad men.*
Now though, the Russians have gone too far.
A large shipment of Chobani Greek yogurt that was set to leave for the games this week - to help fuel our athletes as they fight for gold - has been blocked by Russian authorities citing un-filed American/Chobani paperwork.
So instead of serving a vital role as part of the healthy, balanced breakfast every athlete needs, thousands of yogurts sit flaccidly in a drab, lonely bit of cold storage in Newark, NJ
New York Senator Chuck Schumer has reached out to Russian officials on behalf of Chobani - whose headquarters lay within the borders of his state. Putin's officials, however - perhaps too busy building the hotels that already have guests staying within the few walls that are completed - have yet to respond.
What nerve, what gall, what blatant, reprehensible cheating.
Paperwork? Our paperwork wasn't in order so Shaun White can't get his breakfast yogurt? With seven years to prepare, you built toilets crippled by toilet paper. You've spent $51 billion but haven't figured out running water, walls, and manhole covers.
Your country is the personification of gross incompetence, but our paperwork is a sticking point? Our athletes can't get their yogurt because someone didn't dot an "i" on the Chobani shipment form?
No matter. We'll drink your poop water, and we'll sleep in your dilapidated, pillow-less sheds.
And we'll still win more golds.
*Some information included within this paragraph may have been slightly exaggerated for effect**
**Pretty much all of it was wildly exaggerated for effect