I got home a little later than usual last Friday night and wasn’t in the mood to cook so I grabbed a quick bite at a Saratoga Springs drive-thru. I promise… the story gets better.

I was waiting at the order box for a couple of minutes without being greeted. I wasn’t sure if it was broken or not so I addressed the intercom, “hello? Hello??” Nothing. Now I look like a crazy ass talking to a metal post. I waited another minute or two before asking again, “hello?” Finally, as I was about to make my way around to the pick-up window, I hear “HOLD ON ONE SECOND, JEEZ!” I wanted to say “I HAVE been waiting for a sh** load of seconds. I’m hungry, yo!!” I kept my cool. I was agitated but didn’t come across as pissed, I simply replied “ok no problem, I’m ready when you are.” To which she responded “yeah yeah, go ahead”.

Once I pulled up to the window, she seemed pleasant and almost too happy to serve my order. Much different from the Satan-sounding voice I heard through the talk box a few seconds earlier. That’s when I knew it wasn’t an eat-and-go situation, it was time to head home and investigate the meal with my CSI kit. After analyzing a DNA sample I found – ok, I’m making this part up. Back to the real story.

I get home with my food – a chicken sandwich and fries. Naturally, I took a peek at my sandwich first. I opened the top, removed the lettuce, tomato, onion and took a good look at the bun. It was wet. Not condensation wet (the rest of it was dry), not grease wet (there wasn’t any discoloration), it was “oh my god I’m about to puke this HAS to be a loogie” wet.

It was a potato chip dinner that night to say the least. I have no way of proving whether or not it was actual spit. Maybe I was bugging out for no reason? Was I being paranoid? I’ll never know, but better to be safe than sorry. I mean, who knows where this chick’s mouth has been?

I was a waiter before I got into radio and although messing with rude customers’ food absolutely crossed my mind, I never had the nuts to actually do it. However, I have spoke to friends that work in restaurants who say it happens all the time. Although my health would recommend it, this instance won’t stop me from consuming fast food. I guess I’ll just wait more patiently at the order window next time.