It’s not too early to start thinking about what you ain’t got time for in 2018. And in 2018, I’m not going to your dinner party, your birthday party, your wedding party, or any other party if you decide to be petty and host it at a restaurant with more than four guests in attendance. I’m too old for your games and shenanigans. Here are five reasons why you’re petty AF is if have your party at a restaurant.

The Random Assortment of Personalities:

You’re forcing it. This small talk hell you’ve created doesn’t make anyone feel good but you. We are not all getting along perfectly. We are pretending, for you. You jerk. I don’t want to make small talk with your work crew or your gym buddies. I don’t work in finance and I’m not athletic. These people are not funny to me. I do not understand your inside work jokes. Your work husband is touching my knee. Someone just defended Bill Cosby. This is a nightmare I will not deal with in 2018.


The Service is Always Crap
:
The waiter knows he’s getting tipped whether he gets the order correct or not, whether he shows up with water refills or not, whether he pretends to give a damn about us and our hard earned money, or not. And usually, the waiters don’t pretend. And they don’t get the orders correct the first time and you have to drink from that slightly dirty glass without a straw because he doesn’t remember you asked for one and he doesn’t care. And guess what, everyone still has to tip, because you decided to have a gathering that in addition to awkward conversation, also comes with a 20% tip for horrible service too. I’m not coming to your dinner party in 2018.

Wait Times:

Dinner parties are a long and unsatisfying waiting game. First, I have to wait for all the inconsiderate people who are late for the 7:00 PM dinner. The host (you) knew when you invited your friends that they would be late, and you told them 7:00 PM anyway. Now I can’t be seated until 7:37 PM when they finally arrive and have “already eaten” or “aren’t really that hungry.” Then I have to wait for everyone to order. Then I have to wait for everyone’s food to be ready so they can bring it out all at once. Then I have to wait for everyone to get the money together, that they should have already had together, so we can pay the bill. Then I have to wait for the waiter to run 11 cards before I can get my own. Then I have to wait as everyone lines up to kiss you and tell you how much fun they had. We’re all lying to you. We hate you. I’m reclaiming my time in 2018.

The Under Eater and Over Eater:
We’ve seen both of them. The one who orders one drink (that they should have ordered and paid for at the bar) or the one who orders food with reckless abandon. What do both these parties have in common? They always seem to be confused by their total once the bill comes. All of a sudden they’ve never heard of tax. They scratch their head at this strange “g-word.” What is gratuity, they ponder? And either they become the Sir Isaac Newton of the table with their calculator, pen, and paper trying to divide the bill by the number of water refills every person received or they slip you cash when you’re not paying attention and conveniently leave everyone wondering why we’re $37 short. It’s them, but they “had to run.” They are the worst kinds of people and now you’re the worst kind of person.

Lame Ass Food: Places that accommodate large parties outside of private rooms always have shit food. They’re always the kinds of places that have Mexican, Italian and Chinese all on one menu. Everything is always fried to hell. Or soggy. Or salty. Or bland or greasy from too much cheese. It’s never good. Just like this party was never good. Just like you are not good. I will petition everyone to abandon you at your own party if you do this to me in 2018.